M&M Quiz: Is Your Gym Hardcore?
by: Paul Diobilda
At Mind & Muscle we know how concerned you, our dear readers, are about being as HARDCORE as possible. You put your time in at the gym, eat henhouses full of chicken breasts and take your damn Animal Stak. So now we want to know just how hardcore your gym is. Read the questions below and choose the answers that best identify your gym. When you’re done you can add up your points and see how your gym rates.
1. Take a look at the exterior of your gym and see what you can find:
a. People smoking (+2 each; double points for gym employees)b. A Krispy Crème, buffet (old country or Chinese) or bar (3 points)c. A supplement store (2 points)d. Someone dragging a sled full of weights (1 point)
2. When you walk in you’re greeted by:
a. Fit male or female (2)b. Jacked dude with shaved head (1)c. Fat goth chicks (4)d. Gym owner’s mother (3)
3. When you head into your locker room you see:
a. Someone text messaging (4)b. Old guys warming up (3)c. Independent contractors with clanking gym bags (1)d. A pack of young guns bro’ing it up (2)
4. Take a look at the general décor of your gym. Does it resemble a(n):
a. Sporting goods store (3)b. Crack house with weights (1)c. Auto-body shop (2)d. Vegas hotel lobby (4)
5. Go to the squat rack area. Do you see:
a. Someone curling or doing upright rows (3)b. Someone squatting (2)c. Someone doing ANY Olympic lift (1)d. My gym has no squat racks (4)
6. Check out the cardio area. Do you see:
a. Jiggly flesh shoved into spandex strolling on treadmills (4)b. Someone doing intervals (2)c. Scores of people reading magazines while they hit it (3)d. My gym has no cardio area (1)
7. Head over to the dumbbell area of your gym. Find the heaviest set of weights. Is it:
a. 80 lbs or less (4)b. 120s (3)c. 150s (2)d. 200 or over (1)
8. Take a look around the rest of dumbbell area. The most common thing you see is someone doing:
a. DB cleans or swings (1)b. Incline presses (2)c. Speedy alternate curling (3)d. Kickbacks—mind-numbingly powerful kickbacks (4)
9. Your cable towers feature:
a. A line of people who are waiting to get on (4)b. A guy with no chest doing sloppy crossovers (3)c. Someone working his rotator cuffs (2)d. No cable towers here bud (1)
10. The supplement store in your gym is:
a. A smoothie bar with some protein bars and RTD drinks (3)b. Full of your gym’s private labeled garbage (4)c. Non-existent (1)d. Some dude dealing vials out of the trunk of a Chevy nova (2)
11. The music playing:
a. Makes all the 12 year old girls happy (4)b. Is incomprehensible death metal (1)c. Makes me want to shake my ass (3)d. Would fit in at any rock or techno club (2)
12. The biggest dude in my gym:
a. Scares the living shit out of me (1)b. Is somewhat freaky looking (3)c. Competes as a bodybuilder or powerlifter (2)d. Could be a cover model for Men’s Fitness (4)
13. The chicks:
a. Mostly run straight to the aerobics room (3)b. Filter into the weight area (2)c. Need to be pried off of the treadmills (4)d. My gym looks like a prison yard (1)
15. The trainer’s in my gym:
a. Actually work out (3)b. Are known for delivering the goods (1)c. Have real certifications (2)d. Teach every newbie how to do front dumbbell raises (4)
16. On Friday night the gym is:
a. Deader than Michael Jackson’s career (3)b. Teaming with hot gay action (4)c. Full of Joeys pumping up before they hit da clubs (2)d. Same as any other night (1)
17. The attire of the guys in my gym can best be described as:
a. Grungy (1)b. Functional (2)c. All the boys wear pretty visors (3)d. Spandex baby, pure spandex (4)
18. Take a look at the Hammer Strength (or other plate loaded machines) area. Pick the closest that applies:
a. No machines here, bitch (1)b. No plate loaded machines but lots of other pretty machines (4)c. The HS stuff is more used than the free weights (3)d. The HS stuff gets moderate use (2)
19. Stroll over to the benches. The first thing you see is:
a. A tag team hard at work (4)b. The old ‘bounce and push’ (3)c. Someone benching with complete control (2)d. Some animal repping your max squat (1)
20. Slide over to the aerobics room. The most popular class is:
a. Kickboxing (2)b. Spinning (3)c. Pilates (4)d. Our “aerobics room” is out the back door (1)
21. My gym provides free:
a. Chalk (1)b. Towels (2)c. Body fat testing (3)d. Espresso (4)
22. If you look up and down the room, you’ll see most people:
a. Standing around chatting (4)b. Grimly going about their business (1)c. Enthusiastically hitting the iron (2)d. Trying to see who’s looking at them (3)
23. The level of sweat on each gym member could best be described as:
a. Drenched (1)b. Soaked (2)c. Damp (3)d. Dryer than Beantown after 2am (4)
24. I see many people drinking:
a. Gatorade (3)b. Bottled water (1)c. Some type of RTD stim drink (2)d. What looks like some kind of protein concoction (4)
25. In my gym I’m not allowed to:
a. Puke outside the designated buckets (1)b. Drop weights (2)c. Deadlift (4)d. Use chalk (3)
Now it’s time for the dreaded lightning round!
My gym features (subtract 1 for each that applies):
a. Reverse hyperb. Strongman equipmentc. More than 3 squat racksd. Lifting platforms
My gym also features (add 1 for all that apply):
a. Hydraulic “free weights”b. Colorful fuzzy dumbbellsc. Pilatesd. Squash courts
(21 – 30) Harder than Hard — Temple of iron. You’re either delusional or belong to Westside Barbell. Either way I’m jealous.
(31- 60) Mostly hardcore — Standard meathead gym. You might complain sometimes, but you really have better it than most gym goers.
(61-90) Mildly hardcore — Regular commercial gym. Your gym has what you need to get your work done, but you likely suffer in the process
(91+) Welcome to the eighth circle of hell. See you on Monday!
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Thanks for joining us. Please tune in for the next quiz where we help you answer that critical existential question every bodybuilder must ponder: Am I a good bro?
Questions or comments on this article? Post them in the Avant Labs Forums for live feedback from Paul Diobilda, as well as the Mind and Muscle staff and fellow readers!