Eric Irons: How To Stop Being A Bitch In 5 Easy Steps!
Too many guys in gyms these days are flat out pussies. They have their color coordinated outfits, I phones listening to the Backdoor Boys, and training like they take it in the keister. It’s time to put down you man purse, sack up, and bust your ass. If this prior description is you to a T, listen up cupcake! It’s not to late for your little testes to descend! You need to read this article so you can get your man card back. This is Eric Irons: How To Stop Being A Bitch In 5 Easy Steps!
1. Train Hard, Not Like A Bitch
Too many people I see in the gym are just going through the motions. Yeah, I see that you fucking checked in on Facebook and hash tagged #riseandgrind. Well, that may have been the most effort you put in in that 1 1/2 hours you pissed away “working out.” Listen, just walking through those doors means jack shit. It’s what you do when there that matters. Walking back and forth to the drinking fountain and staring in the mirror while listening to Justin Beiber is not considered training. I know the Beeb’s gets teenage girls panties all hot, but for God sake man, your…..a man! Yeah, I know, you’re 35 years old living in your Ma’s basement, but that doesn’t mean you have to be pussbag. I think. If I see one more asshole with 13″ arms do a cable curls, I am gonna scream. Grab a fucking barbell and curl it for 5-6 years and you arms are at least 18″ before you go messing with that other bullshit. Keep it simple, lift heavy weights, eat a lot of good food, and get some fucking sleep. Not making any gains clubbing with you Skinny Girl margarita mix.
2. Eat Like A Man To Stop Being A Bitch
I hear all the hard gainers sigh collectively and say “Bro, I eat like 10,000 calories a day!” I bet you do, then you feel bad so you fast for 2 days. Listen, eat real food like a real man and stop being a bitch! That means red meat too you pussy. I hate this tree hugging, garbanzo bean eating, medium shirt wearing generation sometimes. Eat some animals, our ancestors did. The Neanderthal man was much more muscular than our dad bod having asses. They actually knew what hard work was and they also knew the value of food. They weren’t looking for some soy based pansy meal, they were looking for food. Funny how not having many choices makes for a healthy diet. Stop trying to spend the year shredded to the bone. Man up, let your body fat creep up to 10-12% so you can keep anabolic. Growing isn’t a license to stuff your fat face, it’s meant to make your body capable of growing some muscle tissue. Eat 6 meals per day, 3 hours apart with 40-50 grams of quality protein per meal. I don’t care that the recent study you read says otherwise, bodybuilders have been doing it for years and it works. I am not listening to some whistle dick researcher with pipe cleaner arms, I will listen to generation after generation of bodybuilders who walk the walk everyday.
3. Fuck Science, It Doesn’t Trump Busting Your Ass!
Listen, I graduated university in Biology and Exercise Science. I like science, I even like to read relevant studies of the latest findings. Surprise Surprise! I don’t however believe in everything that comes out just because some rat didn’t blow up drinking a 6 pack of cola per day. Oh, Coca Cola funded that study? Yeah, that pretty much makes that whole thing a turd and probably didn’t go down quite like the Coke dudes said. I had an argument with this gentleman(i.e. douchebag), over HBCD’s and Peri-Workout nutrition. He basically said it’s been debunked as shit and only works if you are pounding insulin. I said I actually use it and had clients use it and they win. He said “that’s anecdotal.” I just busted out laughing! I said “that’s because it all we have.” Like the Highly Branched Cyclic Dextrin Association is going to fund a university controlled double blind study! What a pompous ass! It’s like meal frequency, I don’t need to read a study, I trust my eyes.
4. Quit Trying To Re-Invent The Wheel
This means quit trying to be cute and not do the hard exercises. Man the fuck up and do the hard stuff. In essence, stop being a bitch! There is a reason you have bigger arms than thighs. It’s a squat rack not a curl rack. I think it is important to do a variety of exercises, but I also think you need to stick to the heavy basics. That means squatting, deadlifting, barbell rows, barbell pressing of all sorts and stuff that just plain sucks to do. If you are avoiding these exercises, you will always be a bitch. I respect any guy with a good set of wheels. Those take work even for the blessed. I don’t give too shits if you have 18″ arms but can wear skinny jeans. You’re a bitch! If you bench more than you squat, you’re a bitch! If you don’t hit legs hard because of your bad knee, you’re a bitch. Let’s face it fella’s, most of you know if you’re training like a bitch or not. If you are, you have two choices. 1) Get gender re-assignment surgery because you’re are likely a woman. 2) Man the fuck up, get a new wardrobe and start training and looking like a man. If I see one more of these tool bags in my gym with the perfectly waxed eyebrows, I will scream. i am all for manicuring, but when you have a better arch than Marilyn Monroe, we have a huge issue. Just do basic shit heavy and often and guess what, you’re gonna grow!
5. Just Become Tougher Overall
I like people who have a warriors attitude in and out of the gym. The don’t piss and moan about how hard their fucking life is, they just live it. They knuckle down and give that shit right back to life. If life is going to kick me in the balls, I am going to kick it back in it’s bean bag. You have a choice, be a victim or be a victor! I choose not to get screwed in the hinie by life. I prefer to do the screwing. Life isn’t fair princess. It’s a cruel and harsh place 90% of the time. In between it’s frequent bulldozing of your sorry ass and mine, we get a few rays of sunshine. Soldiers go to boot camp to toughen up an learn to be survivors. War ain’t pretty and no matter what these kids endure in boot camp, it pales in comparison to war. Be thankful you don’t need to go to war because they don’t wax those fucking eyebrows in boot camp and they don’t have hair gel for your perfectly coiffed mane. Learn to suck it up everyday. Your girl breaks up with you, don’t curl up on the couch with Bon Bon’s watching the View. You got two choices, cry or get a new woman to listen to you cry! I prefer the latter my self. Women don’t like pussies. Sorry, nice guys do finish last. They want a MAN who can take care of them, not one who can wear her jeans and spends more face time in the mirror than she does. END OF RANT!!!!